First things first, Pictures!:
I went to an open mic night. For those unfamiliar with the concept, an open mic is where basically anyone can take the stage for a few minutes; typically, they play songs, usually just an acoustic guitar + vocal. But sometimes comedians and poets attend as well.
The open mic was advertised as being at 1748 Market Street, not four blocks from where I was mugged the night before. Oh joy. I walked up the stairs, entering what appeared to be a doctor's office. WTF? I thought this was an open mic....and then I realized that it was not a doctor's office, but rather some kind of addiction clinic. From behind a closed door I hear someone say "Hi, my name is XXXX (name removed to protect anonomousness), and I am a clutterer". That's right, folks. There is a group called Clutterers Anonymous.
So I go into the open mic, and meet the guy running it (Rick). Within 2 minutes of meeting him, he explains to me that as a cab driver, he never picks up black people, so that way he never gets mugged. He apparently thought this would endear himself to me, when in actuality, it just made me think that he was a jerk. I had the joy of going first, and played 3 songs that were pretty well received. We all had 15 minutes to play.
Next, a middle-aged guy went up and played "Get Together" by Joni Mitchell. Then he proceeded to talk so much about peace and love that he didn't get to play another song. That means he talked for approximately 11 minutes. Craziness.
Next, a woman got up and sang La Vie En Rose along to a karaoke machine. And let's just say that Marion Cotillard she is not. She sang two other songs in what I suppose was French (although it was hard to tell, since she sounded like a dying cat), and then mercifully ended her set. Oh, but then. BUT THEN! Her husband Arnold took the stage and also sang along to the karaoke machines. Except, he didn't use karaoke CDs. He used just regular CDs. SO, as he sang three Johnny Cash songs, not only did we hear Arnold singing, but we also heard Johnny. This all would have been ok had Arnold been singing on the same beats as Johnny. But he didn't! He was always either a beat ahead of him or a beat behind him....sometimes four beats. Sometimes five. It was dreadful.
Following Arnold, the host got up to play. And despite the fact that Arnold had just "played" Folsom Prison Blues, Rick played it too! Except he played it at 2 beats per minute, so it was as slow as possible without stopping altogether. He played a couple of Merle Haggard songs the same way. It was infuriating.
Following Rick was a comedian named Chris Capabacasasabchakajcaaaaaafffabbas. He did 15 minutes of one-liners. Almost none of them got laughs. It was an eternity. Except his one-liners weren't even jokes - for example, "I was standing on the Golden Gate Bridge, and then my hat fell off." Or "My mom cuts my hair. I want to go to Supercuts." or "It's 95 degrees where I live. I don't know about where you live."....His only laugh occurred when he accused the one woman in the audience of having poor vaginal hygiene. Also, when he said he was homeless except for the one day of the year when he was gay.
After Chris LongLastName, a homeless poet took the stage, and he was actually quite fascinating. Great sense of rhythm and pace. I liked him a lot. But then.....oh man. I had been waiting the whole time to hear this guy Kai, because he seemed like a cool dude and had liked my songs. But his set consisted of 15 minutes of him picking the most discordant notes possible on the guitar while squealing in as high a register as possible. Needless to say, I was disappointed.
It got to be my turn again, but somehow Arnold the Karaoke man got ahead of me in line. And despite the fact that in round 2 we were limited to one song, he played two! Two off-beat Elvis karaoke songs.....Kill me now.
I played my last song, which they seemed to enjoy, and they I got the Hell out of there.
Now were in McMinnville, Oregon. Thank God we're not in San Fran anymore.
Tom
i haven't heard you sing in years. video that shit next time.
ReplyDelete-lena